Baking Nightmares

I love cooking. It's so satisfying to sit down to a meal that was birthed from a jumble of ingredients that, when combined, create deliciousness. It's especially gratifying when my own creations turn out to be a new favorite meal. And I think this is the problem: I want what I cook to be my own -- I hate following recipes. Maybe it's a pride thing -- the idea that anyone can follow a recipe, but actually being creative and inventive takes talent. But as I'm still pretty new to the whole cooking thing, I tend to start off with some sort of recipe. But I never follow it. It's just a base, especially when I want to know what ingredients will give a certain flavor. But that's it. Once I get the basic idea, I ignore the recipe. It takes up counter space. Plus, normally my cooking experiments turn out better than I expected. So I get spoiled. I think I know what I'm doing. Until I start to bake.

Baking terrifies me. Maybe too because I'd rather eat salty and spicy foods over sweet ones, or maybe it's that the oven scares me. I like being able to taste as I go. With baking it's a guessing game. I don't like just hoping it turns out. But since most of my experiments were turning out, then why wouldn't a baking experiment turn out well too? Right? Crap.

I hate knowing that the first time I taste something is also the first time everyone else is tasting it. The fear, the anxiety, the nervous tension. Watching everyone take the first bite, looking for facial expressions. I can't ever really enjoy something I bake. I'm too nervous about the outcome. Plus I'm incredibly hard on myself when it comes to taste -- if something doesn't taste amazing, I label it as a failure. And since sugar tends to make me feel sick, if I'm going to eat something sweet, I want it to be pretty darn good.

So at this point, all I can do it breath. Remind myself that a year ago I couldn't successfully create any sort of food item from scratch. I've come a long way. But I have that neeeeeed for everything to be perfect. But sometimes experiments don't turn out quite the desired way. But failure IS part of learning. So I'll try to save it. Whatever it is. And move on. There will be other Thanksgivings. And like my dear brother said, it could be the beginning stages of a favorite dish. The very beginning stages.