Searching for Entertainment

I would like to blog today, but I really have nothing interesting to say. All my time is spent either on wedding planning or homework, and occasionally working. To most people, that's rather dull. So what do I say? What is interesting? I feel incredibly productive lately, but nothing I'm doing is very permanent. I'm not going to remember much of what I've learned this quarter, and once the wedding is over all that's left will be photos and memories. Not that that's insignificant, but all the time searching for the perfect caterer, the perfect cake, the perfect paper. Who is actually going to remember those thing? I would remember them if they were awful, but not so much if it goes smoothly. Maybe that's the wrong mentality.

I guess I feel boring. Life is so exciting and there's so much to be done, but sometimes I step back and think, "I'm 21, shouldn't I be doing incredibly exciting things?" Then I realize I'm doing the most exciting things any person could. Constantly looking for something to entertain myself is destructive. Being content with myself, even if it may appear boring, what does that matter? I'd rather not be the most exciting or entertaining person. I'm ok that the first word to describe me isn't fun. And apparently I'm fun enough for people to still like me, so I think everything is going to be just fine :)

Coming Home

It's always hard to come home to every day life after a trip. It's especially hard going from being surrounded with family to mundane life and Stevie working every day. There's nothing better than eating, relaxing, and being around loved ones, especially those who I rarely see. I'm sad every time my sister goes back to Europe. And it's no different with my new family. I love being in a house full of people I love, and it's difficult leaving that. I'm happy to be marrying into such an awesome family.

In an ideal world there would be enough time and money to visit family as often as I wished. Wouldn't it be nice to have unlimited flights to Zürich and Shanghai?

It will probably be easier once Stevie and I are married. At least then we'll be coming home together. Waking up to an empty house is not exactly my favorite thing. Four months is not a very long time, and I should enjoy our time engaged. But that doesn't make me any less excited for the week of the wedding :) Everyone I love will be in town, and I'll be marrying my love. What's better than that.

My Brain is Mush

Everyone told me that wedding planning is very different when actually engaged. However, being the stubborn person I am, I never believed them. I believed I was chocked full of vision and obviously could immediately start booking, buying, and piecing together my vision. I hate to say it, but everyone was kind of right.

Not that my "vision" has turned to mush. It definitely hasn't. It's just different when I'm actually supposed to be planning this stuff. I guess I'm like that in every aspect--I hate doing what I'm supposed to do. I'll get it done. But my brain is getting soggy after spending my few engaged days looking at and deciding on this stuff. Is the table number really going to affect the wedding? In my mind, yes. Really, I think the problem Stevie and I are going to run into is, we have too much vision. We know exactly what we want, and we want some ridiculous things. But hey, I think a chandelier outside is a great idea, right? Right? We're doomed...

Bang Bang, she shot me down

Stomach in throat. Head swims. Heart pounds. Jitters, excitement, nerves. Zero concentration. No appetite. Let's conquer the world! Or at least start to. Act now! Sitting, waiting, hoping, trusting. Anxious jitters. Call back, call back!

This is the next four months :)

Blessings from God

I hate that sometimes I'm selfish and don't appreciate things more. The fact is, I have a wonderful life with wonderful people in it. I not only have the love of the most amazing man in the world (or at least the most amazing man in the world for me. Everyone else thinking that could be problematic), I have a wonderful family, I have a wonderful almost-family, I'm reconnecting with great old friends, I've been blessed with good health, good looks, and smarts. What is there to complain about? I have it good. I have it better than good. I'm well taken care of, I'm never without anything I need, or want. I'm spoiled, but yet sometimes, not always, but sometimes, that my-life-sucks attitude sneaks in.

My life sucking. That's a ridiculous mentality, a ridiculous statement. I have everything I could possibly need. God has blessed me so abundantly; he's given me so much more than I'd ever deserve. And truly, how many people are given the huge gift of finding the person they'll spend the rest of their life with at the age of 19. The last year and seven months has been the happiest time in my life. This time has helped me discover what earthly romantic love can, and should, be, what a healthy relationship truly is, that the butterflies never have to go away, and that with the right person, I can find myself, not lose myself. I get to avoid the awkward dating scene, avoid the stress of find the "one". I get to spend almost all of my adult life totally and completely in love with the right person. I got my fairy tale; maybe that sounds cheesy, but it's true. Avoiding serial heartache and fruitless relationship after fruitless relationship. Being best friends and lovers. Complimenting each others personalities. Wanting the same things in life -- being different people with the same goals and interests. Cooking together, traveling together, reading together, still being able to talk for hours. Those are some of the best gift I could ever be given. Love isn't something to take for granted. I am so incredibly blessed.

I have a family who loves me and takes care of me. Who accepts me and wants the best of me. Who lets me be myself without any expectations. Whom I'm not just related to, but friends with. That's something to be thankful for. No family is perfect, but I've been blessed with a pretty great one.

I should be thanking God every single day for what he's blessed me with. I don't want to be pessimistic, I don't want to sometimes dwell on what's wrong rather than focus on what's right. I don't want to be that person who has everything, but doesn't realize it. Praise the Lord for my blessings. Praise the Lord for giving me a life so much better than anything I could have planned for myself. Praise the Lord for keeping me alive to experience it all. Praise the Lord for saving me from my self destructive nature. Praise the Lord for giving me not just happiness, but JOY.

Looking back on my life, it's amazing where God has brought me. Two years ago I was an incredibly unhappy and self destructive person. I didn't value myself and didn't understand how anyone could. I didn't understand how God could even value me. Self loathing is an awfully sad place to be. Dwelling on the hurt and pain, blaming myself, sabotaging my own well being. I inflicted these things on myself for years. So praise God for pulling me out and placing me into a life of love, joy, and all around bliss. Praise God for helping me smile again. And praise God for providing me with people in my life who help me stay on track. Praise the Lord!!